Category Archives: Jokes

Joke

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.  As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.  After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry madam, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed to the big pond in the sky.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure.  Your duck is dead,” replied the vet..

“How can you be so sure?” she protested.  “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything.  He might just be in a coma.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.  He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.  As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.  He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.  A few minutes later he returned with a cat.  The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.  The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.  The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, looked at the bill.  “£150!” she cried, “£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry.  If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now £150.”

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Joke

In this age of political correctness, it is no longer acceptable to tell jokes that begin “There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman” or similar as it’s not very nice to perpetrate national stereotypes.  It is with this in mind that I tell you the following joke.

There was an Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Frenchman, a German, a Russian, a Pakistani, a Kiwi, an American, a Canadian, a Spaniard, an Italian, a Malay, a Chinese, a Japanese, a Czech, an Afghan, an Israeli, a Palestinian, a Swede, an Icelander, a Belgian, an Iranian, a Mexican and a Australian.

They all went to a nightclub.

The doorman said,

“You can’t come in here without a Thai.”

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Mistaken Identity

On Thursday mornings, I am in the fortunate position of being able to listen to Radio 4 for a few hours whilst otherwise employed.  I switched on at about 9.30am in anticipation of the programmes to come.

My attention was caught by a trailer for a programme about people who had no control of their bowels or bladder and were pretty angry about it.

Just before 11am, I made a coffee, grabbed a couple of Ginger Crunch and turned my ear to the radio.  I was somewhat bewildered to discover that the presenter was talking about the disappearance of a Palestinian engineer called Dirar Abu Sisi with no mention of the Tena Pants Brigade.

Googled it. Programme name? ‘Crossing Continents’.

I’ve been the Wartime House, thank you and goodnight.

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Household Hint

My cousin in Canada sent me this excellent piece of advice yesterday, which is particularly useful for me as I was only moaning recently about how much I hate people dropping by unexpectedly.

Always keep several  Get Well cards on the mantelpiece

So if unexpected guests arrive, 

They will think you’ve been ill 

And unable to clean.

How completely brilliant.

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Joke

THE GYNAECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?”

“The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.”
After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career”.

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