"Let's steal Daryll's bathing suit and say she's a lesbian!" shrieked Gwendoline
In July, my old school is having a reunion. When I went to boarding school, aged ten, I was very badly bullied by three girls who had the power to get any other girl on their side, simply by saying it should be so. This went on for years.
Now, in order to set the scene, it’s quite important to have a (very) brief overview of why my sisters and I was sent to boarding school in the first place. Our mother was very ill with depression, agoraphobia and addiction to benzodiazepines and was not in a fit state to look after us. Our father had left when I was four and we pretty much had to fend for ourselves. A charity stepped in and paid for us to go away to school as our mother was unable to cope.
I started at the school when I was ten. Sister the First had left the term before and Sister the Second was in the Lower 6th. I was really looking forward to going as it was a beautiful school and I wanted to do what my sisters did. My mother always got hysterical as the end of the holidays approached and would frequently threaten to kill or harm herself if I left her, although my grandmother was still living with us at that time. School, then, was a double edged sword; relief that I was away from home, and worry about how she would cope without me.
Two days before the start of my first term, I fell off my bike and sustained a huge, grazed lump on my forehead. This was not a good way to start and I was teased unmercifully, being called alien and mutant. I was also well spoken, prudish, I didn’t swear or fart, I did as I was told, I was keen on lessons, I couldn’t stand up for myself, I was emotionally vulnerable and I didn’t seem to have much in common with the other girls. My card was marked.
At that time, the school was mostly made up of girls who had suffered misfortune of some kind. The pastoral care wasn’t great and 400 girls in close proximity seemed to develop a pack mentality. Unfortunately I was not in the pack.
Three girls in particular made my life hell, two in my own year and one in the year above and they would incite others to join in. They teased me constantly about the way I spoke and behaved, and suggested that I was always telling tales to my sister. There were no grasses in that school.
They would take and damage my things so I would get into trouble with matron, they put used sanitary towels in my nightdress case, they poured water under the bathroom and toilet doors and watch me just to upset me and then call me a prude for making a fuss. Another favourite game was to grab people and pull their knickers off to see if they were dirty, although I wasn’t the only victim of this charming little pastime.
Once, one of the perpetrators asked me if I would like some of her outgrown clothes as she knew I didn’t have much. I said I would look at them and let her know if I wanted them. She brought in a bagful after exeat but none of it fitted. I told her this but she said that I had promised to take them and give her money. This was not true, but all the girls in my dormitory backed her up and I was made to hand over my entire half term’s pocket money to pay for the clothes.
I had the added problem that I used to sleep walk. The houses had four dormitories with long corridors and I would sometimes waken, curled up in a doorway or on a landing. One night I had been sleepwalking and went back to the wrong bed. I woke up in one of my tormentors’ beds and thought that that she had climbed in with me. I asked her, forcefully, to get out and then realised that it was me who was in the wrong bed. I tried to explain and went back to my own bed.
In the morning, she told the whole dorm that I had tried to get into bed with her and that I was a lesbian. By break time, I had girls all over the school whispering “lesbian!” at me in the corridors. I was twelve and this was just about the worst thing anyone could say to you.
This went on for four years. I used to pray every night that the girls would change schools or die. One did (leave that is), but the other two stayed. In the interests of balance, it wasn’t horrible all the time, I certainly have some happy memories as well and there genuinely were Midnight Feasts and Dorm Raids. There was always that underlying fear that it could all kick off again at any moment.
But when I was fourteen, I met this wonderful girl from a different house, who not only lived near to me at home, but was also really cool and naughty. She smoked and drank and listened to punk and had spiky hair. I actually believe that she saved my life. My whole attitude changed; I discovered charity shop clothes, I changed my make-up, my hair, my music and, almost immediately, the bullying stopped. I had taken myself out of reach.
At the end of 5th Year, the two remaining bullies left (as, sadly, did my naughty chum) and I moved into the 6th form house and made a new set of friends. This is a very truncated version of the story, but you get the picture!
* * * *
In July, my school is having a reunion which is being much discussed on a certain social networking site.
I would like to go with The Boys and show them where I spent eight years of my life.
One of the girls who made my life so miserable has stated that she will be attending.
If I go, how do I respond? I know she remembers me but I wonder what she will remember?
It was more than thirty years ago but at some level I want her to know what she did.
At the same time, my life’s fine, so what does it matter?
She’s probably charming now.
What do you think?